The story we tell ourselves versus the story we tell others

International relocation is often a dream one has had for years that is finally coming true. However for some it just happens because of work, studies or love which involve other important criteria that also influence our story. 

Even when it's a longtime dream, international relocation does not necessarily become easier. If one's expectations aren't realistic it will still be a challenge, but it could be that one is more willing to compromise on things when this is a dream coming true. One thing that makes it even harder is when one needs to keep the challenges to oneself to avoid the potential judgement by others. This is where loneliness shows up, you cannot share what is going on for you because others would not understand or give you the support you are looking for. Making sure you align your own story with the one you tell others is helpful and sets you up for better support on those days when you feel lonely and could really benefit from a hug, at least a virtual one.

What can you do to avoid misalignment on the stories you tell yourself versus the one you tell others? 

Research, preparation and a realistic mindset is a good start. Understanding what you are getting yourself into really helps, not only to set your own expectations right but also to have a conversation with family and friends based on facts instead of assumptions and bias.

Some of your closest friends may think you are going on a long extended holiday while potentially not understanding the investment and risk you are taking to explore your dream, while others only see the risk and danger without appreciating the positives you are looking for. Neither approach is supportive when you are actually dealing with stress yourself. In this case I would say “own the story”, try to align the story you tell yourself with the one you tell others. Share the learning you have gained from all the research you have done, admit that there are hurdles and that you still wish to go on this adventure because of what you are hoping to achieve. The more you base your decisions and story on fact the less judgement will come through from those who would otherwise bring their own bias into the story.

What does success look like in this adventure?

Having clarity on what success looks like in this adventure is often helpful. What are you hoping to get? Is it a slower pace of life? A warmer climate? Returning to your roots? A career boost? More time with your kids? Better finances? No matter the reason it requires research to understand if it's realistic. Even when your research tells you that some of the criteria is not actually feasible you may still choose to go because it is your dream and sharing this with your dear ones may set you up for a comment on your bravery instead of an I told you so and indication of failure. 

What if a cafe au lait with a croissant at the local cafe twice a week is enough, that is success, not doing it every day. Or what if success is a small house in the countryside and having time to take the kids to football practice instead of working all evening to be able to afford a big house. Everything comes at a price but when you know the story aligns with your own values you avoid misunderstandings because you base your statements on facts.

What do you need to understand about yourself to ensure this becomes the adventure you are looking for?

Understanding your values and how you deal with change is important. Being clear about what you are looking for and why is helpful. If you have always been a city person, it could be that moving to the countryside in another country is taking a step that is too big unless that is exactly what you are looking for. Anticipate the hurdles so that you can prepare for them. If having a cafe au lait at the café in the sun every day you probably should not move to the countryside, unless you know there is a café close by or to a country where it rains most of the winter. 

When other criteria is part of the equation

When the reason for relocating is something other than just an adventure, allow that to be part of the equation, be honest about how the relocation relates to the other factors. Is it your new job or the new environment you are struggling with? Is it the studies, the new partner or the new country that is getting to you on the tough days? Only by being honest with yourself can you deal with the issue at hand. Too often we choose to blame the wrong thing because it's easier. So keep the stories straight.

Aligning the stories is hard work

It takes lots of intentional work to keep the stories aligned. Being curious, courageous and compassionate towards yourself and others will allow you to succeed. Build on your self awareness and pay attention to how you are changing in this new situation. International relocation can actually shift values. You may learn that what you thought was true about yourself is not. That is not failure, that is growth. While aligning the stories helps your relationships with those you leave behind, the new you cannot go back. Learning and growth will always travel with you so be ready to introduce the new you to your loved ones at home. Remember though, they also changed and had their own experiences. Don't forget to embrace those too when aligning the stories.

In the group programme “Landing Well in Europe” we explore “The Human Side of Building a New Life Abroad” which includes aligning the stories, join us.

Written by Camilla Degerth 17th of April 2026.